Bearing Burdens: How to Walk with a Friend Through Grief

Grief is a universal experience. It touches every life at some point, whether through the loss of a relationship, a shattered dream, or death of a loved one. But for the Christian, grief carries a distinctive note—a quiet, unshakable hope.

Our guest this month at The Forge Lunch and Learn, David Koehler is a man who has been acquainted with grief. As a boy, David faced profound loss when his father died of a heart attack at just 11 years old. Sitting in the funeral service, he remembered feeling anger toward God, thinking, “You owe me.” Looking back, he recognizes his faulty thinking, but at the time it reflected the rawness of a child’s grief. Grief then struck again just a decade later when his mother passed away from cancer. Still only in his early 20’s, David had lost both his parents.

As the years passed, though David met the love of his life, Cathy, and from all outward signs his life was stable and happy, underlying this life however for David were persistent mental health struggles. In his 40s and 50s, while managing high-stress projects as an engineer, he experienced severe bouts of anxiety and depression. David sought help counseling, medication, hospital stays, and Christian support. But at times, it seemed nothing could break through the heaviness.

We Are Not Alone in Our Struggles

In 2012, after another debilitating episode, David checked himself into an intensive anxiety clinic for six weeks. He describes feeling ashamed and broken, worried about how others would perceive his struggles. But it was there—surrounded by doctors, lawyers, and executives grappling with their own crises—that David began to see he wasn’t alone. He met a fellow believer, a cardiologist and elder in his church, and together they shared Scripture and prayed. David recalls, “It was like the Holy Spirit at the speed of light working in my head.” His thinking was transformed, and for the first time in years, he experienced laughter and hope.

When David returned home, supported by his family, church, and friends, he felt a renewed sense of life. His depression no longer ruled him. He immersed himself in men’s ministry, small groups, and community life, building deep connections with those who would later walk with him through his greatest grief.

Deep Loss

In January 2024, David’s world was shattered again when his wife, Cathy, collapsed at church and passed away suddenly. The shock was indescribable. He remembers getting the call, racing to the church, and finding her already gone. Cathy had been sharing the story of God’s faithfulness in David’s life when she fell ill—a poignant reminder that she lived her faith until the very end.

For many who knew David’s history with depression, there was concern: How will he survive this? But David did more than survive—he walked through the grief with the strength God had built into his life over decades of suffering.

How did David navigate such profound sorrow without being consumed?

Through the hope of Christ and the comfort and care of community.

In 1 Thessalonians 4:13, Paul writes,

“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.”

For the believer, grief is real, raw, and deeply painful, but not hopeless. The world around us may treat death as the end, as a final curtain that leaves only silence. But in Christ, we know a different story: death is not the end. It is the doorway to eternal life.

David found comfort in this truth. After his wife’s death, as friends surrounded him and shared quiet moments of listening and prayer, David reflected on where she was—face to face with her Savior. During moments where he missed her presence and even thought to himself “I wish she were here to see this,” he realized, “She’s not missing out. She’s experiencing the fullness of joy that we can only imagine.”

This hope didn’t erase his grief. He still wept and still missed her presence, her voice, and her companionship. But his tears were laced with hope. As Jesus promised, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live” (John 11:25).

The Anchor of Resurrection

Hope for the grieving Christian is not wishful thinking or a vague optimism. It is anchored in a historical event—the resurrection of Jesus Christ. His triumph over death assures us that death is not the final word. This hope also brings comfort in the face of mental health struggles. David’s journey through anxiety and depression taught him that while brokenness is real, healing is possible, and ultimate restoration is promised. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more” (Revelation 21:4).

Grief, but Not Alone

David’s story shows that even the most painful losses are met by God’s faithfulness. When his wife died, he didn’t grieve alone. His community surrounded him, reflecting the love of Christ. They bore his burdens, and in doing so, they fulfilled the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2).

So, when you encounter someone walking through grief, don’t worry about having the perfect words. Simply show up, reflect Christ’s love, and gently remind them eternal hope.

Ways We Can Bear Burdens

Below are lessons we can learn from David’s story about how to walk with a grieving friend:

1. Be Present Before You Speak

David’s friends didn’t flood him with advice. They showed up, sat quietly, and listened. One friend recalled, “David just needed to talk. I just listened.” Often, our presence speaks louder than words.

2. Acknowledge the Loss, Gently Speak Truth

David found comfort in simple truths: that Cathy was with Jesus, that death does not have the last word, and that God’s promises are sure. Friends reminded him of Scripture and the hope of resurrection. But they did it gently, offering comfort without clichés.

3. Offer Practical Support

Friends brought meals, checked in, ensured David was there for their weekly pickleball, met him for coffee, or simply showed up to talk. Even those outside the church community came to the funeral, showing love through presence.

4. Continue In Love and Care

Grief lingers long after the flowers of the funeral fade. David’s men’s group continued to meet weekly, praying for each other and sharing life’s burdens. This long-term support made a profound difference.

5. Ask Permission to Enter the Grief

If you’re unsure how to help, David suggests simply asking, “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” This lets your friend control the conversation and assures them they’re not alone.

6. Speak Gospel Hope

David stated that “some people would say ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.’ And I thought. You know what? Jesus is sorry too, but he did something about it. He saw the sin and he did something about it, by providing a way for us to conquer death.” When a friend is grieving, continue to point them to the cross and resurrection—not as a way to dismiss grief, but as an anchor for their soul.

David’s story is a testament to how God uses the body of Christ to uphold the brokenhearted. He often reflects, “We’re not like those who grieve with no hope.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). But he also knows that hope is not a feeling we conjure—it’s a gift we receive from the Spirit, often through the gentle, steady presence of friends who bear our burdens.

If you have a friend walking through grief, remember: You don’t need to fix them. You just need to be there. Listen. Pray. Speak truth when invited. Show up with casseroles, coffee, or a simple phone call. God’s extraordinary grace often flows through ordinary, faithful presence. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2).

Together in Christ,

Jeff Brabec, Executive Director